Code:
Name: 'Puff - Random Advice', VNum: [ 95], RNum: [ 95]
Trigger Intended Assignment: Mobiles
Trigger Type: Global Random , Numeric Arg: 12, Arg list: None
Commands:
* By Rumble of The Builder Academy tbamud.com 9091
eval max %random.197%
set text[1] My god! It's full of stars!
set text[2] How'd all those fish get up here?
set text[3] Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
set text[4] I've got a peaceful, easy feeling.
set text[5] Ahhh, spring is in the air.
set text[6] I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
set text[7] Bring out your dead, bring out your dead!
set text[8] If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?
set text[9] Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
set text[10] Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?
set text[11] If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
set text[12] Better be nice or I will use fireball on you!
set text[13] Do you think I'm going bald?
set text[14] This is your brain, this is MUD, this is your brain on MUD, Any questions?
set text[15] I'm Puff the Magic Dragon, who the hell are you?
set text[16] Quick! Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow!
set text[17] Shh... I'm beta testing. I need complete silence!
set text[18] I'm the real implementor, you know.
set text[19] If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
set text[20] Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
set text[21] Are you crazy, is that your problem?
set text[22] A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. GO FIGURE!
set text[23] If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
set text[24] It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
set text[25] Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
set text[26] A lie has speed but truth has endurance.
set text[27] Do not blame the sword for the hand that wields it.
set text[28] The intention is not to see through each other but to see each other through.
set text[29] You can build a throne of bayonets, but you cannot sit on it for long.
set text[30] True friendship comes when silence between two people is comforting.
set text[31] I can picture in my mind a world without hate or anger and I can picture us attacking that world because they would never expect it.
set text[32] Life is like a dog sled team. If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
set text[33] The only man completely at peace is a man without a navel.
set text[34] Losers talk about how hard they tried while the winner goes home with the prom queen.
set text[35] Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
set text[36] Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer.
set text[37] No, my powers can only be used for good.
set text[38] Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
set text[39] Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp such that no decent human being would eat?
set text[40] Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
set text[41] Why is it that some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
set text[42] Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
set text[43] Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
set text[44] Why ARE Trix only for kids?
set text[45] Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
set text[46] Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
set text[47] If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
set text[48] If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
set text[49] Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
set text[50] "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
set text[51] Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
set text[52] Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
set text[53] My mind works like lightning one brilliant flash and it is gone.
set text[54] 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
set text[55] A closed mouth gathers no foot.
set text[56] Someday, we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
set text[57] A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
set text[58] All generalizations are false, including this one.
set text[59] We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
set text[60] What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
set text[61] All stressed out and no one to choke.
set text[62] Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
set text[63] Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
set text[64] Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
set text[65] Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
set text[66] Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
set text[67] Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
set text[68] Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
set text[69] Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
set text[70] Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
set text[71] Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
set text[72] Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
set text[73] Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
set text[74] Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
set text[75] He who laughs last thinks slowest.
set text[76] I didn't say it was your fault, Relsqui. I said I was going to blame you.
set text[77] I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
set text[78] I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
set text[79] I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
set text[80] I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
set text[81] I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
set text[82] I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
set text[83] I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
set text[84] If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
set text[85] Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
set text[86] It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
set text[87] It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
set text[88] Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
set text[89] Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
set text[90] Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
set text[91] Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
set text[92] Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
set text[93] Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
set text[94] Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
set text[95] Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
set text[96] The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
set text[97] The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
set text[98] The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
set text[99] Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
set text[100] The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
set text[101] Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
set text[102] Why is abbreviation such a long word?
set text[103] Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
set text[104] You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
set text[105] The proctologist called, they found your head.
set text[106] Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
set text[107] Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
set text[108] You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
set text[109] If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
set text[110] I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
set text[111] When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
set text[112] Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
set text[113] I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
set text[114] How do I set a laser printer to stun?
set text[115] Everything I need to know about life I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.
set text[116] I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
set text[117] Is it time for your medication or mine?
set text[118] Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
set text[119] How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
set text[120] No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
set text[121] If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
set text[122] Sarcasm: just one more service we offer here.
set text[123] This is a mean and cruel world. I want my nappy and medication right now!
set text[124] Back off! You're standing in my aura.
set text[125] More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
set text[126] A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
set text[127] Does your train of thought have a caboose?
set text[128] Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
set text[129] I got out of bed for this?
set text[130] You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.
set text[131] Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
set text[132] I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
set text[133] If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
set text[134] If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
set text[135] The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
set text[136] Tracers work both ways.
set text[137] Who cares if a laser guided 500 lb bomb is accurate to within 3 feet?
set text[138] Ever wonder about those people who spend 2.00 dollars a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
set text[139] Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
set text[140] Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
set text[141] Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
set text[142] If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
set text[143] The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
set text[144] %random.4% days without a human rights violation!
set text[145] At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
set text[146] The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
set text[147] You should not confuse your career with your life.
set text[148] No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
set text[149] When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
set text[150] There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
set text[151] Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
set text[152] Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
set text[153] You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
set text[154] A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
set text[155] When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
set text[156] I live in my own little world, but it's ok they know me here.
set text[157] Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
set text[158] I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
set text[159] I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
set text[160] I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
set text[161] Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
set text[162] If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
set text[163] Welcome To Shit Creek - Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
set text[164] How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
set text[165] Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
set text[166] The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
set text[167] Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
set text[168] Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
set text[169] Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
set text[170] I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car.
set text[171] Man who run in front of car get tired.
set text[172] Man who run behind car get exhausted.
set text[173] Man who scratches backside should not bite fingernails.
set text[174] Man who passes wind in church sits in own pew.
set text[175] Some days, I just don't feel like slaying dragons.
set text[176] Thank you for not being perky.
set text[177] Don't annoy the crazy person.
set text[178] Which trailer park did you grow up in?
set text[179] When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
set text[180] And your crybaby whiny ass opinion would be?
set text[181] The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
set text[182] On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
set text[183] I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
set text[184] What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
set text[185] Would you like fries with that?
set text[186] Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
set text[187] I may not be the best looking gal here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
set text[188] Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
set text[189] Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
set text[190] Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
set text[191] Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
set text[192] I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
set text[193] You! Off my planet!
set text[194] Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
set text[195] Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
set text[196] It is as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
set text[197] Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
eval speech %%text[%max%]%%
say %speech%
for TBA.
